Hold back, take a deep breath and wait...

The mind and thoughts within have a funny yet strange correlation to the actions and events that follow. When everything seems so perfect and happy, there is a sudden glitch. The possibilities of that glitch turning into a reality are high, and I start playing all the negative scenarios in my head. What if it happens? What will happen after? How will things be, if it does happen then why does it happen to me? I have already started badgering my head with all these questions and negative emotions, sitting here perturbed in my own selfish little world, with the consequences of a dreaded event that hasn't actually happened. The mind inevitably wanders to the negative, to the pain that is yet to be felt. I ache for something that has not occurred yet, but the mere thought of it stings.

At a point when I feel like a sapless seed, a helpless creature who wants things to go "right" but cannot contribute to the cause-and-effect here, my mind has the tendency to get lost in the darker realm, the negatives of What Ifs and What Then. I don't want this to be just another chapter in my diary, I don't want it to be yet another unfulfilled experience that had the potential of being something "more". I have heard about the Power of Positive Thought and the Power of Mind. Focus on the NOW. Focus on the positives, not the negatives, because what you think is what will happen. Your thoughts manifest into your actions.

So I heed to this century-old advice, take a look around, step back, put a hold on all the negativity in my head, take a deep breath, hope against all hopes, live in the moment for as long as it lasts, stay positive, and then wait...patiently and calmly I wait ...

The Indian Spirit

Having lived in India for twenty years and having lived abroad for only five, I've seen my motherland go through many changes, both for good and bad. On one hand, where India is one of the leading developing countries, with a fast-paced economy, fast establishment of multi-nationals, growth of foreign investments, a country that constitutes 60% if not more of English-speaking populace , a country that brings with itself strong character, rich culture and traditions; it is also a chaotic democracy with fading traditions, dissolving morality, increased violence, communal riots, and religious fanaticism. Between all this commotion, I realized two things. One, how little an opinion I have of my own country and two, who am I to judge a place where I haven't lived and breathed for the past 5 years of my life. It is easy to find faults, even easier to point fingers at people and places where you don't live anymore. During this trip, I had a glimpse of the "true" Indian Spirit. Our family decided to watch a lame funny movie, which was being played in the last show of the day. The movie was supposed to start at 10:50 pm. As it is popular about the "punctuality" of the Indian Standard Time, the movie doors were obviously still shut until 11:15 pm with a huge queue waiting outside. Once the doors opened, everyone moved into the cinema theater like a herd of unruly buffaloes. It was an organized chaos nonetheless, the theater had Dolby Digital Surround, the hall was freezing, and while everyone was still moving up to their seats, I looked at the screen to read the following lines:
"Indian Army at Siachen Border"

This was followed by an instrumental piece of "Jana Gana Mana", our Indian National Anthem. My brother held my hand, and everyone in the theater stood still, right where they were, not moving an inch. Everyone was in attention, some with their hands by their side, and others saluting the soldiers on-screen. On the screen was the cold ruthless Siachen border covered in deep snow, with the Indian flag hosted high withstanding the cruel snowstorm. In the snow were standing Indian soldiers, looking strong and mighty - there seemed to be no barriers here among them - religion, caste, creed, color, none at all. There were Gurkhas and Sardars and Muslims and Hindus all fighting for their country in those extreme circumstances and holding their heads high. They make us proud and although the common-man has no way of showing their gratitude to the soldier, this was our way of saluting the protectors and martyrs of country and telling them "Thank You for keeping us safe". To me it seemed like the Indian body, no matter what circumstances its lives in, no matter what it fights about (religion, earning a living etc.), no matter how uncouth it might seem at times, at the end of the day it has withstood the adversities of time, and upheld its true spirit, its integrity and its respect for the nation and for those who protect it and live in it.
Hats off to the soldiers and kudos to the spirit of is more than a billion of a population, who lives, strives and survives no matter what.

A sense of completion

After a long time, I feel closer to being Complete today. It is marked by a jitter of nervousness, slight fear for messing things up and sheer excitement for what's to come ahead, but whatever this is called, it sure feels good, and one step closer to being happier. The key is not to be certain or sure about the future but to be Positive about both Present and future, and to know that no matter what, it will work, we will make it work.

A poet's thought on Desire

"By believing passionately in something that does not exist, we create it. The non-existent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired."
-Nikos Kazantzakis

A strange little thing called "Death"

Many have discussed it but very few have truly understood and accepted Death as a fact after life. And for those of us who have accepted it, no matter how much we prepare ourselves, its never enough and Death always hits us hard. The reason may be because Death truly signifies a point of no return. Our entire life is spent in chasing different goals - collecting materialistic things, satisfying guilty pleasures, giving and receiving love and admiration from others, attaining a status and reputation in the society, but when we leave this Earth, what do we really leave behind? A name, a few fading memories and an impact on a close circle of people. There is nothing that can achieve a state of permanence since the only thing that is constant in this world is change. Nothing lasts forever, but Death. For if someone is gone once, they shall never return again. And its the fear of death that grips us, when we are younger. Talk to someone who is in their late 60s and have lived a lifetime (whether satisfying or disappointing). They are happy to step into the other unknown realm of this universe. Death is a like a 'Black Hole', people wonder what's inside, whether it is dark and dingy and what is so powerful about it that no one returns once sucked deep into it. But is dying really an end? We all are but minuscule parts of this universe, and are only composed of matter and energy that can not really be destroyed. Our loved ones might be leaving their material world and their bones and flesh on this Earth, but I believe their energy is somewhere out there. Some might call this energy spirit or soul, others might call it blessings and memories, whereas some other people may call it paranormal or ghosts. Call it whatever you want, but even after death people don't cease to exist. They live on, in our thoughts as memories, and in their spirit.

I lost a loved one last year, a friend lost his loved ones a few weeks ago, and I don't know how many others lost their dear ones to the other side of this world. I saw it coming, and tried to prepare myself, but it wasn't enough. When the event happened, it hurt and created a void. But that void was soon filled with a strange relaxed feeling that the one I have lost is not really lost forever, it was a weird sensation but it seemed that their energy was somewhere around me. May be it was just my mind playing tricks, or may be it was real, who knows? It was in this loss that I realized the importance of our Today. How we do things, how we live our existing life, who we meet in this path, how we affect other lives and what we do today, it all has an impact on tomorrow, whether we live to see that tomorrow or not is out of our hands.

Rest in Peace to the grandparents and others we have lost in the last one year, to those souls who were great in their own ways and who got us where we are today.

"The oldest hath borne most; we that are young
Shall never see so much, nor live so long."

---------------------------------------------------

"We come from a dark abyss, we end in a dark abyss, and we call the luminous interval - life."
- Nikos Kazantzakis from 'Salvatores Dei'

Being the 'giver' is not enough

Into the wilderness of the night and in solitude I find comfort. And in someone else's solitude I want to provide comfort. I can see someone in pain and hurting, and I want to comfort them but I cannot. Because I am not the one they need the comfort from. Its said that you should be the giver without having any expectations in return. But is the wish to 'Give' enough? Doesn't it matter whether what you're giving is even needed by the taker. Sometimes people need exactly what you have to offer, but you're not the one they want it from. What do you do then, with this little treasure of comfort and care that you have in abundance, and you want to share it with someone? And what do you do when you want to be the provider but you're just not needed. The taker should have the need to 'take' from you. You cannot force someone to find comfort in what you have to offer, just because you want to offer it.

I guess the best one can do is to let the other party know what you have to offer, let go of the person, and just hope that they stop hurting and find the comfort that they need, even if it is not you who's providing it. If they want, they'll come back to you.

Random unrelated thought:
"A mess is an expression of the soul"

Embraceable

It is cold, I am quivering but I don't want to go inside. The chill in the breeze makes everything so serene. I can hear the rattling of the chains that tie the boats to the dock. But its the quietude all around that changes perspective. The shackles holding back the boats are not rattling anymore, they sound melodious to my ears, like bells tinkering in cold thin air celebrating the harmony in nature around them. The lighthouse is small with a red crown, almost a dummy, except that there is no light in this house. I look at the other side of the river at what seems like a flickering object. A flame with a halo around it. My imagination tells me I am looking at a ghost. I squint, and my intellect tells me I am looking at a fountain. Indeed it is a fountain in the middle of nowhere spreading both water and light in that dimly lit area. Amazing how breezy and foggy it is. The fog is so dense that the water and skyline have merged together and are lost into a third realm where I cannot make out what is what. The two lines - water and sky, are blended so brilliantly that a bird wouldn't know if it was flying or floating. There was nothing significant about this moment, yet everything about it made it unique. The calm water, the shimmering beacons, the unlit lighthouse surrounded by cobwebs, the fountain on the other side, the furtive flicker within the fountain, the tinkering chains, the boats waiting to free themselves from the dock to sail into unknown waters, the faded horizon, the chill in the air, the darkness in the clouds, and the person with me - all made that one moment so embraceable.

And another

"We have art in order not to perish of truth."

- P.S. Nietzsche

Another quote...

"The reality of love is mutilated when it is removed from all its unreality."

- From The Poetics of Reverie by Gaston Bachelard 

Interesting analogy

"Waiting for a man is like waiting for a bus. You keep waiting, the bus is awfully late and all kinds of buses pass right by you but not the one you are waiting for. Right when you give up (or are about to give up) and stop waiting, you see not just one, but two or more buses (same bus number) line up in front of you! Its exactly the same way with men!"
- A dear friend

Beauty

"La Beauté sera convulsive ou ne sera pas."

(Beauty will be convulsive or will not be at all.)
- André Breton

When to draw a line?

All of us have been in this situation one time or the other in our lives. I have been in it plenty of times, and somehow I manage to get stuck every single time. It is the problem of 'not knowing when to stop'. Be it career, the affairs of the heart or the mind, I have been in places where I got too involved or didn't put in enough effort. Each situation has to be handled in a different way.

Sometimes we are trying too hard for something, whereas, in reality, its not worth the time and effort. But we still try, we still hope, we carry on and we don't give up. This is a place where we should have given up a long time ago and started looking at newer frontiers. But then we didn't want to give up because we thought we can survive and we can make it happen. The outcome - we don't end up getting what we wanted and somewhere the whole experience hardens us, makes us a cynic, and somewhere it makes us stronger.

On the other hand there is a situation where we have been trying for a while, and just when things get really bad, when we are hanging on to a cliff and don't know where to go, during the darkest moment... we Give Up. We think its not worth our time and energy and move on to other avenues, whereas, in reality all it needed was just a little more push, that last surviving breath and a little more effort to succeed. The outcome - sometimes we move on never looking back, but sometimes we regret not hanging in there for just a little while longer.

The fact is, each situation can belong to either of these two criteria. The question is, how do we know where to draw a line? How do we know when to give up and when to keep trying? At the end of the day, its not really about what is right or wrong. Each experience is unique and gives us a lesson to learn, but after a while, it would be nice to know...when to draw a line and when to keep pushing harder to reach the final goal.

Things that you want the most...

...are the things that you get the last. Is that really true, or do some of us get exactly what we want at the time when we want it. If we get something too easily, it would loose its importance for us. Somewhere we want to work hard for what we want, sometimes unconsciously what matters to us more is the actual journey than the destination. Because if we get whatever we desire, whenever we want it, well things would not be challenging anymore. The primal instinct of us living beings, be it humans or animals, is to FIGHT for what we want. Animals fight for their prey, pre-historic men hunted and fought for their food, in tribes and ancient mythology men always fought for the queen, since time immemorial man has fought for land...the list is endless. The fact is, when we want something and when we fight for it, their is a gratification which is not attained by merely getting to the destination the easy way. If we lose, indeed it hurts, but we still have this satisfaction for having 'fought' for what we wanted, having 'tried' to achieve our utmost desires.

On a different note, there are things, not so materialistic, that we've had all our lives and never really appreciated. I have a bad habit of realizing the importance of the presence of someone in my life, in their absence.

Whether it is the doting love of my parents, the unconditional friendship and support of my close ones, I never really came to appreciating it as much when I was next to them. It was when I moved away, or when people went separate ways that I realized how I had taken things for granted on more than one occasion. The thing is, its all in the past and it can never be brought back. But these realizations showed me how it is so easy to give importance to the most trivial things in life, how we run after things that don't even matter but we want them anyways just because we think we need them. Our desire for that "something" or "someone" makes us so blind that we ignore what is right in front of us. What we have been looking for might be right by us, just in a different shape and form....

' Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes,
And I know, that waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes...'
- Lyrics from Strange and Beautiful by Aqualung

Stop crying your heart out

Quite self-explanatory.

"Stop Crying Your Heart Out"

Hold up
Hold on
Don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone

May your smile (may your smile)
Shine on (shine on)
Don't be scared (don't be scared)
Your destiny may keep you warm

Cos' all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Get up (get up)
Come on (come on)
Why're you scared? (I'm not scared)
You'll never change
Whats been and gone

Cos all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Cos' all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Were all of us stars
Were fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see us some day
Just take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out

- Oasis

A lifetime's worth in a week and a half...

It was a week full of anticipation, excitement, pure adrenaline rush, hopes, expectations, high energy, competition, attitude, humility, life, sadness, friendships and tragedies, sparks and passion...a little bit of everything. Ok, so may be I sound a bit over-dramatic here, but it really was a lifetime's experience packaged in a week and a half of my life.

'Success only comes to those who are too busy to look for it.' ? I say, 'Surprises and happiness only come to those who are too busy to expect them.' Right at the moment when you least expect from life, that is exactly when life brings with itself a plethora of opportunities and emotions, so strong and so deep to fathom, that you often get lost in its realms. I went into a new city, with no expectations, and came out with unexplored facets of my own personality, with new experiences, new revelations, new friendships and new heart-aches. It was a world full of opportunities, showing me new avenues in every aspect of life, be it career, people or personal development, but it also showed me where I stand and how I will really need to plan things in order to move up. Meeting new people is always fun, but the part that sucks is when they LEAVE. When everyone leaves, or starts following a path which is very different from mine. Its a pattern - you meet, you greet, you mingle, you get close, and then .... you leave. If only I could make the parting as happy as the beginning. But then again, parting is not really the end, its just a pause for some. But its a pause full of uncertainties. You don't know if you will EVER see those people again in your life, and sometimes you just need to leave it up to Fate/Destiny (words deemed not be in our control) to see if your paths cross again. Until then, you wait, and you meet more people and you get lost in their worlds, and get entangled in the same web of meet-greet-part. I guess this really is a pessimist's point of view, because an optimist would be of a contradictory opinion. I love meeting new people too, but only if their friendship would last for more than a week.

And then there are always those who leave with words unsaid and emotions unaccounted for, with whom there is no closure, and who leave you wondering 'Should I, or should I not get in touch with him/her? Would they think I am trying to be clingy, and would they just consider it a friend's call trying to keep in touch with them? Should I, or should I not?' I guess a part of my problem, is the over-analysis or over-complication of things. Why can we not simply enjoy the moment we lived in, forget about it and move on? I do an excellent job at capturing moments, but can't seem to let go and forget them. And then those moments linger in my mind for days....

There's no structure to my post, its more of a gabber than a streamlined thought. But nonetheless, it is from the complicated mesh of my thoughts and imagination.

Madness

A method to my madness...

I love this phrase...And I am realizing that I do have a method to my own madness. And its a pattern that I've been following for almost a decade now, since the realization of 'who I really am' dawned upon me. It starts from establishing a set of rules for myself. Rules that involve anything that is forbidden, religiously, culturally, socially, consciously. Rules of the heart and Rules of the mind. Most of the times, I stick by my rules. But then one fine day my madness begins, captured in the moment and taken over by the rebellious and wild-free-spirit in me, I decide to break my own rules without thinking of the consequences. All is fine until now. Except, when the rule is broken, the moment is past, and its time to move on, I actually cannot let go of it. I can't just capture the moment in a picture frame of my life and move on. I want to hang on to it for as long and as deep as I can, until the ruthless and ever-so-healing tides of time snatch it away from me, or until I fall so hard on the ground that it is hard to get back on my feet. I alienate everything around me and shut myself in my own fortress of solitude reliving those moments that I had captured. And then one day, having spent enough time behind the barriers, I decide to get out of my shell, feeling all strong and triumphant. But I am not the same anymore. I am bruised, and so I am a cynic, and I still have a wall around me. I carry on, establishing another set of rules and boundaries for me, only to see myself break those rules and follow the old method of madness yet again...yet I thrive...and so I survive.

Mad World

I wish I could write such simple yet effective and true lyrics. Unfortunately these are not my words, but they sure reflect my thoughts and feelings on how 'mad' everything is turning in today's world.

"Mad World" by Gary Jules

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world

Le Petit Prince

"On ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur, l'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux."

(One can't see well except with your heart, the essential is invisible to the eyes.)
- fox to Le Petit Prince

Hope

Hope. It's a funny thing. It's a pity for one who doesn't have it. And painful for one who does (I am sure a lot many people will beg to defer with this perspective of mine). It is not exclusive. It brings with itself a foray of other feelings/emotions, one of which is Expectation. Is it really possible to separate the two? Is it possible to hope, yet not to expect? Because expectations hurt. Expectations put unnecessary pressures on people who don't really deserve that pressure.

Someone I don't even know well enough, but have a harmless crush on...I start hoping that they will reciprocate, and I start expecting things/favors/moments from them. And when things obviously don't turn out the way I expected, there is disappointment and anger. Anger at the person who is innocent and completely unaware (and carefree to some degree) about my feelings/circumstances. The reality of it all is, I am really angry with myself, not the other person. I am angry for expecting and hoping foolishly. But it is hard to accept it, so we blame...we blame the other person. And then we carry on...we know its not fair to expect from that person, yet we continue down the never-ending road of hopes and expectations leading to disappointment. Hoping, against all hopes, that this road that we are on, no matter how painful or prickly, will lead to happiness, satisfaction and reciprocation one day.

An overload of the words 'hope' and 'expectations', I agree. But you get the point right!

What are you really scared of?

So an entire month has passed. Actually, almost 2 months have gone by, and I haven't written anything. Hit a dry spell I'd say. Quite dry and this is hardly a comeback. In fact, I am quite sure the very few people who were reading my posts, would have given up on this not-so-regularly-updated-blog a while ago. But then again, I can't resist my urge of electronically penning down my thoughts in this little blurb. I've been thinking, what are we really scared of?

And I am not talking about cockroaches, or thunder bolts and lightning, or even global warming, because let's face it, most of us spend our time whining about the weather whereas very few of us actually worry about global warming and try to do something about it. Anyways, that's completely beside the point for now. I am not asking you what scares you temporarily. I am talking about the constant fear that lurks in your mind and that you rarely accept. May be a lot of us are actually still living in denial about our worst fear. To me, it seems like 'Rejection' is what scares me the most. The realm of rejection spans from our parents, to the society in general, to even God - an entity that we've never seen, yet we are scared of. As a kid I was scared of not doing the right thing and not living up to my parents' expectations. The process of growing up gave me knowledge, but that knowledge also gave me some fears. As I grew up, I developed my own style, my personality and a set of idealistic beliefs. Initially, there was no fear. My beliefs were new, the place was familiar, and I was home. There could be no rejection anymore. They all knew me, they had accepted me. But then it happened. A new country, strange faces, strange habits and very unfamiliar territory. It was a big leap. With that leap, came some inner strength accompanied with some unpredicted fears. Now there was the fear of being rejected by this new society. Here, importance was given to matters that seemed most trivial to me until now - what clothes one is wearing, what's your style statement, who do you hang out with etc. As I grew up here, it seemed like what defined you more was your outer appearance. In this world, at this stage of my life, people are really judged by the cover. So there was the fear of being rejected because of my cover. And then there was always the occasional 'fear of being rejected by someone you like' lurking in the corner. And being scared of rejection from the loved ones is understandable, after all they are your loved ones. But being scared of no acceptance from people who perhaps don't even care to know you, who might pass a sly comment or two about you, have a good laugh about it and forget that you ever existed, being scared of rejection by such morons? Why? This is like an ever expanding bubble of pointless fears. But a bubble, which when bursts, will truly free me. This fear of 'rejection' keeps me stuck in a loop. It keeps me confused, pulls me down and keeps me from accepting and appreciating who I truly am, or would like to be.

I can only imagine how powerful it would be to get rid of all such fears, to truly see yourself for who you really are, put yourself out there, and tell the world 'Bring it On, I don't give a damn, I am fearless and I am ready'.

Moment of truth

A moment of truth - most of the times I just get lost ....lost in the crowd, lost in the conscious, at times lost in the sublimity of emotions, and at others, in the realm of logic. So deep that recovery seems impossible, yet it happens. Because that's how it is, no matter what, we lose and we find, we fall and we recover, and the world just moves on...

Where do I fit?

So after a long lull, I thought to put down my thoughts yet again. Empty mind is a devil's workshop, so here is what's going on in my workshop. A search for my own identity and for my right 'fit'. A good friend told me today that although I am searching for the right thing, its the wrong place I am looking in. Depending on the people I am with, I sometimes feel like a 'misfit' and conflicted with different facets of my own personality. Who should I be, the intellectual who loves talking about things ranging from philosophy, to art, to music, topics that are usually tagged 'boring' these days but topics that intrigue me; or should I be the clueless girl who hangs out with her friends in the 'cool' crowd - the crowd that paints their faces and talks about fashion, about brand names that I have never even heard of and that least interest me. There are friends in both the crowds, and I can relate myself with them most of the times. But in this multitude of personalities, I find myself conflicted. I feel peer-pressured into losing my own 'self' and becoming one of them. 'Everybody's changing', change is inevitable and change is welcome, but how much do I change so as to roll with the ball and keep up with the times (as they say), yet be true to myself. Who am I really? How do people distinguish me, and what is so unique about me? I feel sometimes its so easy to get lost in the crowd, to want to be someone else without realizing how far we've come, without even knowing our own uniqueness. So far I had been looking at others, and wondering, 'Am I like them'? 'Do I need to be like them, in order to survive, and to leave an impression?'

Turns out, I DON'T. Instead of looking elsewhere, I need to dig deeper within myself. Easier said than done, but at least we can try. Questions like who I really am, what is my potential, whether and how I can make an impact, what is next in my life, what and who really matters to me, where do I fit, will probably stay with me for life. The real question is where do I go from here? Where do I go from these uncertainties, these highs-and-lows and with these anxieties stuck in my head like an old record. At least I can start by looking within moi for the answers.

You know its bad for you...you still can't resist

Exactly what the title says. Its just the unstoppable urge of doing something that you have wanted for a long time but you know is so wrong for you, something that says explicitly 'I am WRONG' but you still want it. Its like a pack of cigarettes, a pack that mentions 'Warning: Smoking is injurious to health' and yet it doesn't stop such a large population of the world from smoking. Their justification, oh this doesn't always result in lung cancer, or we're going to die one day so what difference does it make. I am in no position to judge them, nor is anyone else. I believe everyone around me has done something in their life, which they knew was bad for them, and yet they went ahead and did it, because it felt good. The thing is, do we really need to know when to draw a line. While fulfilling a desire, when do we know that we're not playing safe anymore and have reached a point of no return. Is this why we should abstain from temptations in the first place? But then why do people say that its better to fall and get up, because that is the only way you can learn. What an oxymoron this life is, you need to learn in order to live, in order to learn you need to fall and learn from your own experiences and mistakes, but at the same time you should resist all temptations and not get to a point where you will fall. How do you fall if you resist taking a risk? And how do you learn if you don't fall? I guess I am just going in circles here. It is probably another chicken-and-egg problem. Prevention is better than cure, but then if you have never been diseased, how will you ever find a cure?

On another note, can we even differentiate between what we really want and what we need. We can mistake our 'want' for what we 'need' and when we realize it, it can be too late. There is so much in life that we want and so little that we need, but if only we could see the difference and apply it, life would probably be simpler and uncomplicated. But then as humans, no matter how much we tell ourselves that we need our lives to be simpler, we probably have an exceptional talent for complicating our lives, at least I do.

Horoscopes and Tarots

Is there any accuracy in these general daily/weekly horoscopes and tarot card readings? Or is it all just a hoax and another gimmick to blindfold us with unnecessary faith. Just another belief added to the endless list of faiths and beliefs we seem to be accommodating these days. For instance, read this, my tarot card reading for today:

"When you are ready to be serious, other people want to play, but now that you are ready for some action, someone you like may be more contemplative. Your flexibility is the key to happiness today; if you can make the necessary adjustments, you'll learn something crucial. Trust your changing moods as you decide when to hold on and when to let go. Your intuition is strong and will lead you in the right direction."

As a matter of fact, these lines could not be more accurate about what's happened in the last few days for me. And this is kind of eerie and creepy at the same time. Does this mean all the other people in the world, born on the same day as me, have similar events happening? Its kind of hard to believe in the accuracy of something so general. The funny thing about all this is, sometimes when I can't take decisions myself (which unfortunately is a lot of times), these kind of frivolous, general yet sometimes true words from horoscopes or tarot cards help me in my decision. Like for now, I need to hang in there and be patient and believe in my intuition because apparently its strong and will lead me in the right direction!

A good place to read weekly horoscopes is www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes. It is not so much about the truth of the horoscope, but about the writer's style of a horoscope. Rob Brezsny is the writer, and what a writer he is. Its hard to believe how aesthetic, and appealing his horoscopes sound, again, not because of any accuracy but because of the examples, the quotes he mentions and the way he inspires you about life and your days in general. There's passion and there's beauty in his horoscopes. As you can see, I am quite a fan of his and although I don't believe 100 percent in the accuracy, I do believe in the efficacy of his writing.

Why can't happiness last longer?

Few moments of happiness and then a long lull, full of the uncertainties and wait for the next 'happy moment'. 3 hours of happiness, followed by a day of day-dreaming and fabrication of unreal dreams, and followed by another day of 'reality striking you back in your face'. And then you're back to square one, back to where you had started it all, wondering why you ever entered that happy moment in the first place. I think this is just a personality trait. There are people who enjoy whatever moments they have and then 'move on'. I fall at the other end of the spectrum, I enjoy a moment to the utmost, and then wonder 'why can't I have more of this' and spend the next few days not enjoying what I had, but brooding over what could have been, or why it could not last longer. Instead of savoring the taste, I waste my time worrying about wanting and achieving more of it. If only I can learn to cherish things in the present and look forward to the future, instead of brooding over the 'could haves and why nots' of the past, I'd be happier.

After all, as Abraham Lincoln aptly said, 'Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.'

I guess I just need to Make-up-my-mind!

Unsexiest women alive..really?

As if we don't have enough insecurities in our lives, one now has to go through the pangs of being publicly "crowned" as being one of the top unsexiest women alive. This is in regards with the recent most survey conducted by "Maxim" magazine for the unsexiest women alive (of course where else but Hollywood). I guess its one of the ugliest prices you need to pay for being a celebrity. The ones who are rated the Sexiest need to keep up with that image, starve themselves or get plastic surgery or do God-knows-what to maintain their looks, and the ones who are graciously getting older are made to look like victims of aging and a concoction of using bad makeup or hair products or whatever it is that makes the other 'sexier' women look so sexy and goddess-like in magazines. I don't think being sexy comes from the way you look. Being sexy is an attitude you carry, it is in the way you behave and the work you do. But then these days the definition of sexy is so distorted. The best part is, we, as a society find pleasure in a celebrity's (or even our Facebook friends') shattering hopes and faltering lifestyle. We love the gossip, whether its in the tabloids, or on Facebook, in spite of knowing that this is all about a real person, who I agree might be living the most notorious life or looking hideous, but whose life is none of our bl**dy business. Anyways, there is no appropriate way of ending this post, except for saying that this is just a 'rant' and hopefully it can become more than a rant one day and we can come to realize how frivolous our lives are getting.

Push or Pull?

As dodgy as this title sounds, I HAD to write this post. While exercising at the gym a couple of days ago, I was using a machine basically for working out the inner and outer thigh muscles, which required pulling in weights for one set and pushing weights out for the other. The push used the outer muscles, whereas the pull used the inner thigh muscles. Unaware of the fact that we have way more muscles in our outer thigh, than the inner, I most conveniently put heavy weights for both push and pull only to realize that the pull was way harder than the push. Actually, to be frank, I had to reduce the weights during the pull to almost 50% of what I used in pushing. Turns out, because of lesser inner thigh muscles, the pull was painful, harder and highly inconvenient compared to the push. Needless I say, that I derived a similarity to our lives from this situation. I just thought, in real life it is easier to push away people. There's little effort you need to drive someone away from you (I mean, it of course, depends on the person who's being pushed away, some people are not as easy to push away). But in order to pull people towards you, it is more time-consuming, exhaustive, takes a lot of energy and effort, but at the end its all worth it. May be to some of you reading this, these two things don't make a connection, but to moi they do.

Really?

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return...

People aren't real

"People aren't real," said one of my friends to me a few days ago. People aren't real because they cannot stand up for themselves, are hypocrites and are easily corrupted by the society. This is what he had to say.
But I wonder who gets to decide what 'REAL' stands for? The definition of course varies from person to person. The dictionary describes 'real' as something that is an actual thing and has an objective existence. True enough. To my friend, 'real' seems pure and untouched. To him 'real' seems perfect.
To me, 'real' is flawed. Real has imperfections and that is what makes it actual. Perfection is unreal, perfection is Utopia. It doesn't exist, but we strive for its existence because trying to achieve the unachievable is what keeps us going. Would I want someone who is not corrupted by the society? Sure, it would be great to find someone like that. Moreover, it would be nice to un-corrupt myself from the society. Its not just about eating meat, or about the addiction to coca-cola and other marketing gimmicks, or about using the not-so eco-friendly means of transportations, or about doing a million other things that are deemed 'wrong' in someone else's dictionary. The society makes distinctions between what's right and wrong. Its about doing the 'right' thing for myself. For some of the people out there, doing the right thing may involve doing things keeping others in mind, and for others doing the right thing just involves one person - 'I'. Its a conflict within myself as to which one of the two am I, and which one of the two should I be. Most of the times I fall in the first category, when I think too much about how something that I do might affect someone else, or even sometimes how it might affect my own reputation. I know, its pathetic to think that way, to let your decisions be guided by what others might think of you or make of your decision, but oh well, I never said I am flawless. I am quite flawed and very real (in my definition of Real). But then there are times when I really wish I could only live for myself, take decisions because I think they are right for me not because that's what the world would do if it was in my shoes. Taking decisions with my family in consideration has rarely been a botheration to me, but what does frustrate me sometimes is taking decisions in life based on perceptions of other people who are quite unimportant, to say the least.
I really wish that someday I can apply Ayn Rand's philosophy of Objectivism to my life, and do things because they are right, and because they are right for 'me', not because they please someone else and are right according to them.

"My philosophy, in essence, is the concept of man as a heroic being, with his own happiness as the moral purpose of his life, with productive achievement as his noblest activity, and reason as his only absolute."
-Ayn Rand (on Objectivism)

Quarterlife crisis

I am not really done a quarter of my life, I mean there are still 2 more years to go, but I am nearing it. I guess the confusions, the uncertainties, the frustrations and second thoughts, the C-R-I-S-I-S I am having right now, I'd like to put them in this self-explanatory yet exaggerated term - Quarterlife crisis. The issues faced right now are probably faced at other times in life, but I just felt like using an overly dramatic word so here I am. My situation right now is that of a free and confused wild spirit. There is so much I want to do, and so much I want to explore, but there is so much that I bind myself with. There are innumerable things that I judge myself for, and sometimes, actually most of the time feel like people are judging me all over. I have probably reached my own zenith of self-consciousness. There are times when my friends need my attention, but I act completely oblivious to my surroundings and to their need. I might spend time thinking and amusing myself with trivial things, like my crushes, or how beautiful the snow is outside, or when is the winter all going to be over, or what's going on in what TV show, or what I should wear to the following party, or why am I becoming so vain, or what's going on with journalism these days, or how there are bigger issues in this world to work and write on rather than Britney Spears or the U.S. Election; I spend my time THINKING about all of this, when I have more important things to take care of - like study, or file for my immigration and a million other things. In simple terms I am procrastinating, and I am day-dreaming. For anyone who has watched the movie 'Amelie', I am Amelie Poulain, except for the do-gooder part right now. It feels lonely sometimes, and some other times I think to myself 'what the hell am I doing here, and there is so much more that I can do, but I am not even trying...', and then at other times 'I just don't care'! I am still getting to know myself and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. This is probably one of my most confusing posts, but I thought its better to get it out here than let the thoughts wander in my head.

Food for thought:

"Words that don't DO anything, have no meaning."
- Alex

As time goes by...

You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh.
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by.

And when two lovers woo
They still say, "I love you."
On that you can rely
No matter what the future brings
As time goes by.

Moonlight and love songs
Never out of date.
Hearts full of passion
Jealousy and hate.
Woman needs man
And man must have his mate
That no one can deny.

It's still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die.
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by.

Oh yes, the world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by.

- Casablanca

Hold You...

In today's fast pacing world, sometimes, all you need is someone to hold you, for 10 minutes straight, without any shenanigans, without asking, without moving, without speaking, without .... just hold you straight for 10 min...

Secret Affairs

I came across a thought (read the end of this post) and realized how true it is. Most of us get kicks out of 'secretive' and rebellious relationships. Whether they are love-affairs, or they are matters against the will of your parents, or whether you're cheating on your partner. The thrill comes from the secrecy and the rebellion. A fact, this definitely is, but a bold one indeed. Very few of us would acknowledge that secrecy in love brings more pleasure than the love being known to others.

The theme track of the movie 'The Piano' is called 'The heart asks the pleasure first'. Come to think of it, this is true. It is difficult to define Pleasure. Most of us don't even know what a pleasurable experience is. Feelings that may seem like pleasure on the surface may just be superficial. But there are also feelings camouflaged in the garb of pain, anguish, rage and solace, which turn out to be the most pleasurable. The longing to meet a secret lover, the temptation to break the secrecy and many other emotions are painful at first, but there in lies the sweet pleasure. For if there was no pleasure in this, why would we commit it. A love with forbidden colors has a different tune to it than the one which is known and accepted by all. There are those who crave to be in such relationships of secrecy, but would never admit to it. And then there are those, who are notorious for such affairs. And there are also those, who are reading this blog right now, who can deceive you with their innocence and chirpiness, and who are slyly smiling reminiscing their recent most secret affair...

Today's line:
"Love ceases to be a pleasure when it ceases to be a secret."
- Aphra Behn (Writer and Dramatist)

Happy Singles Awareness Day!

So today is a special occasion for me to write. Being one of the most awaited days of the season - the V-day, I thought, why not pen down my thoughts here. Its a day for couples to celebrate, and a day for the singles to mourn. There is nothing wrong with being Single, or being in a couple, but days like these make you realize the difference. Kudos to all those who are single, for you will not have to spend a single penny on buying a useless over-expensive gift for your partner. Do we really need an over-commercialized and heavily marketed day such as this one to enjoy being a couple? My friend just told how even the poshest of restaurants here have time-slots for couples, since they are so busy. An excited couple spends hundreds of dollars to dress up for the occasion and go to a classy restaurant to spend some quality time with each other, only to be told that they can be dining and having fun during the 6-8pm slot, and that they will have to leave soon since more couples are in queue. Seriously? Do we need to spend so much money in order to get those quality moments with our loved ones. Moreover, these marketing gimmicks create a pressure on those who do not want to spend all their time and money on one single day. I have friends who belong to both schools of thoughts - those who want to celebrate V-day and those who don't consider it to be such a big deal. Of course, I belong to the latter.

As for the singles, you can mourn, or you can be happy and take pride in the fact that you have to spend nothing on buying gifts on this expensive day.

A stupid thought:
Look at it this way, if there were 365/366 parallel universes, and they all had a Valentine's Day, there is a high chance that every single day for us here, is a V-day in some other parallel universe. So whether you're a couple or single, go out there and enjoy yourself..not just today but everyday. Don't just celebrate one day. Enjoy yourself as if there is no tomorrow!

Today's line:
"Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl."
- Stephen Leacock

Skating /Slipping on a thin sheet of ice

So today was technically my 6th time skating in the last 4.5 years. Most certainly it was not the best, but there was little improvement from the previous time. Its funny how skating feels like you're learning to walk again. Except for, this activity seems a lot harder. I realized how much balance is needed, moreover, one should not be scared of falling. It needs some focus as well, focus that I am lacking these days because of some stupid crush/obsession that I am not ready to let go off yet. It is stupid because there is no future to it, and I very well know that. And it is a crush/obsession because in no time did my liking for someone turn into a all-day-and-night you-are-in-my-thoughts process.

The ice was smoother on Saturday, because it was a different patch of the rink. A patch that had been looked after properly and used less compared to the entire canal where we went today. The canal on the other hand, is put through rough use by hundreds of skaters everyday. Every morning it is washed, shaped and smoothened by the city officials. Every morning it looks like a fresh flower that has just sprung out to spend the whole day outside. And then people come and skate over it throughout the day, only to leave it more bruised, cut-up, sliced-at-different-parts at night. We could see and feel those cracks in the rink today. And they were most unpleasant...both for the skaters i.e., us and the rink. Anyways, I think I am beginning to enjoy this activity of skating and I hope to become better.

On the side note, about my latest debacle i.e., crush/obsession. I call it a debacle because I sense another unnecessary heart break in the near future. And yet, I am falling into it, deeper and deeper, with the hopes that I will pull myself out of it. Every night I sleep with the hope of reciprocation, and every morning I wake up with a reality check of the farce that I am living in. I wish every single day to have a confrontation with him sometime soon. I want to know what is in his head. It doesn't matter whether it is good or bad for me, but I sincerely pray everyday that I know his thoughts sooner, before this drives me crazier. But then somewhere I am also enjoying playing this game with myself. On one hand, I tell myself not to like him because I know for sure he does not like me. I tell myself to put myself out of this misery that I am sinking into. But then, I still hope for something good to come out of this. I still don't stop thinking about him, fabricating conversations with him, conversations that never happened and never will happen. I dread liking him every single day because I know it will hurt me the most in the end, and yet I only like him more day by day. It is such a thin sheet of ice that I am trying to skate on, but rather than skating smoothly I am slipping away.

Today's line:
"... Do I seem familiar, I've crossed you in hallways
a thousand times, no more camouflage
I want to be exposed, and not be afraid to fall ... "
- Song: For You I Will by Terry Geiger

My First Post

There is a very high chance that no one will even read this blog, at least not anyone I know. In any case I don't plan to publicize about the blog in my friend circle. Not for now.

I'd like to keep myself anonymous. Not like a secret identity or an alter ego, because this is still me, just with an alias - DOT. As my description says, this blog is Dot's camouflage.

Whoever is reading my post, welcome to it. I will try to use minimal smileys and msn language in the blog, since I personally hate it yet I have not been able to practice what I preach i.e., I have not been able to not use msn language and weird emoticon symbols elsewhere so far. Thought I might start from here.

In terms of describing myself, I'd rather not. I don't know myself completely and I also do not like binding attitudes and characters with words like 'trustworthy, honesty, likeable, blunt, pragmatist' et cetera. As and when I write posts on this blog, you will get to know some part of me and some part of my life.

I really don't know why I have this sudden urge of writing a blog. May be after seeing one of my friends do it, I am tempted to. The matter of fact is, I have always written things in a diary, and never really felt the need to put up my thoughts on something as public as the Internet. But oh well, I told myself 'Why Not?' The blog will not contain anything too personal. But it might contain my thoughts and their consequences, all translated into harmless words.