Moment of truth

A moment of truth - most of the times I just get lost ....lost in the crowd, lost in the conscious, at times lost in the sublimity of emotions, and at others, in the realm of logic. So deep that recovery seems impossible, yet it happens. Because that's how it is, no matter what, we lose and we find, we fall and we recover, and the world just moves on...

Where do I fit?

So after a long lull, I thought to put down my thoughts yet again. Empty mind is a devil's workshop, so here is what's going on in my workshop. A search for my own identity and for my right 'fit'. A good friend told me today that although I am searching for the right thing, its the wrong place I am looking in. Depending on the people I am with, I sometimes feel like a 'misfit' and conflicted with different facets of my own personality. Who should I be, the intellectual who loves talking about things ranging from philosophy, to art, to music, topics that are usually tagged 'boring' these days but topics that intrigue me; or should I be the clueless girl who hangs out with her friends in the 'cool' crowd - the crowd that paints their faces and talks about fashion, about brand names that I have never even heard of and that least interest me. There are friends in both the crowds, and I can relate myself with them most of the times. But in this multitude of personalities, I find myself conflicted. I feel peer-pressured into losing my own 'self' and becoming one of them. 'Everybody's changing', change is inevitable and change is welcome, but how much do I change so as to roll with the ball and keep up with the times (as they say), yet be true to myself. Who am I really? How do people distinguish me, and what is so unique about me? I feel sometimes its so easy to get lost in the crowd, to want to be someone else without realizing how far we've come, without even knowing our own uniqueness. So far I had been looking at others, and wondering, 'Am I like them'? 'Do I need to be like them, in order to survive, and to leave an impression?'

Turns out, I DON'T. Instead of looking elsewhere, I need to dig deeper within myself. Easier said than done, but at least we can try. Questions like who I really am, what is my potential, whether and how I can make an impact, what is next in my life, what and who really matters to me, where do I fit, will probably stay with me for life. The real question is where do I go from here? Where do I go from these uncertainties, these highs-and-lows and with these anxieties stuck in my head like an old record. At least I can start by looking within moi for the answers.