So today was technically my 6th time skating in the last 4.5 years. Most certainly it was not the best, but there was little improvement from the previous time. Its funny how skating feels like you're learning to walk again. Except for, this activity seems a lot harder. I realized how much balance is needed, moreover, one should not be scared of falling. It needs some focus as well, focus that I am lacking these days because of some stupid crush/obsession that I am not ready to let go off yet. It is stupid because there is no future to it, and I very well know that. And it is a crush/obsession because in no time did my liking for someone turn into a all-day-and-night you-are-in-my-thoughts process.
The ice was smoother on Saturday, because it was a different patch of the rink. A patch that had been looked after properly and used less compared to the entire canal where we went today. The canal on the other hand, is put through rough use by hundreds of skaters everyday. Every morning it is washed, shaped and smoothened by the city officials. Every morning it looks like a fresh flower that has just sprung out to spend the whole day outside. And then people come and skate over it throughout the day, only to leave it more bruised, cut-up, sliced-at-different-parts at night. We could see and feel those cracks in the rink today. And they were most unpleasant...both for the skaters i.e., us and the rink. Anyways, I think I am beginning to enjoy this activity of skating and I hope to become better.
On the side note, about my latest debacle i.e., crush/obsession. I call it a debacle because I sense another unnecessary heart break in the near future. And yet, I am falling into it, deeper and deeper, with the hopes that I will pull myself out of it. Every night I sleep with the hope of reciprocation, and every morning I wake up with a reality check of the farce that I am living in. I wish every single day to have a confrontation with him sometime soon. I want to know what is in his head. It doesn't matter whether it is good or bad for me, but I sincerely pray everyday that I know his thoughts sooner, before this drives me crazier. But then somewhere I am also enjoying playing this game with myself. On one hand, I tell myself not to like him because I know for sure he does not like me. I tell myself to put myself out of this misery that I am sinking into. But then, I still hope for something good to come out of this. I still don't stop thinking about him, fabricating conversations with him, conversations that never happened and never will happen. I dread liking him every single day because I know it will hurt me the most in the end, and yet I only like him more day by day. It is such a thin sheet of ice that I am trying to skate on, but rather than skating smoothly I am slipping away.
Today's line:
"... Do I seem familiar, I've crossed you in hallways
a thousand times, no more camouflage
I want to be exposed, and not be afraid to fall ... "
- Song: For You I Will by Terry Geiger
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