Madness

A method to my madness...

I love this phrase...And I am realizing that I do have a method to my own madness. And its a pattern that I've been following for almost a decade now, since the realization of 'who I really am' dawned upon me. It starts from establishing a set of rules for myself. Rules that involve anything that is forbidden, religiously, culturally, socially, consciously. Rules of the heart and Rules of the mind. Most of the times, I stick by my rules. But then one fine day my madness begins, captured in the moment and taken over by the rebellious and wild-free-spirit in me, I decide to break my own rules without thinking of the consequences. All is fine until now. Except, when the rule is broken, the moment is past, and its time to move on, I actually cannot let go of it. I can't just capture the moment in a picture frame of my life and move on. I want to hang on to it for as long and as deep as I can, until the ruthless and ever-so-healing tides of time snatch it away from me, or until I fall so hard on the ground that it is hard to get back on my feet. I alienate everything around me and shut myself in my own fortress of solitude reliving those moments that I had captured. And then one day, having spent enough time behind the barriers, I decide to get out of my shell, feeling all strong and triumphant. But I am not the same anymore. I am bruised, and so I am a cynic, and I still have a wall around me. I carry on, establishing another set of rules and boundaries for me, only to see myself break those rules and follow the old method of madness yet again...yet I thrive...and so I survive.