What to do?

So what do you do when your worst fears come true? Hope for the best and Prepare for the worst, they say. And why is it that when your fears are realized, none of those preparations are useful anymore. The things around you don't matter, all your hopes and aspirations come crashing down in an instant, no matter how much you saw this coming. Its like gravity has suddenly pulled you so hard that you fall flat on your face. It hurts, but that "preparation for the worst" kept the anticipation so high that now you are numb to everything. You can't even shed a tear, because for sometime, you cannot comprehend anything around you. You see yourself falling, but you can't see what's above you and what's beneath. You don't know where you started falling from, and where you'll drop. And while you are falling, you see these ropes that you can grab and hang onto. Now you don't know which option to choose, should you hang onto one of the ropes and wait for someone to rescue you, to tell you what lies ahead. Or should you keep falling into the nothingness, hopeful that the view clears out soon and you know what lies beneath, hoping that when you finally fall it doesn't hurt as bad. Logic and Reason say that its safer to hold onto the rope. But all you really want to do is to keep falling. Which one of the options is really the safe one or the right one here? And can you really decide which one will hurt less?

Hold back, take a deep breath and wait...

The mind and thoughts within have a funny yet strange correlation to the actions and events that follow. When everything seems so perfect and happy, there is a sudden glitch. The possibilities of that glitch turning into a reality are high, and I start playing all the negative scenarios in my head. What if it happens? What will happen after? How will things be, if it does happen then why does it happen to me? I have already started badgering my head with all these questions and negative emotions, sitting here perturbed in my own selfish little world, with the consequences of a dreaded event that hasn't actually happened. The mind inevitably wanders to the negative, to the pain that is yet to be felt. I ache for something that has not occurred yet, but the mere thought of it stings.

At a point when I feel like a sapless seed, a helpless creature who wants things to go "right" but cannot contribute to the cause-and-effect here, my mind has the tendency to get lost in the darker realm, the negatives of What Ifs and What Then. I don't want this to be just another chapter in my diary, I don't want it to be yet another unfulfilled experience that had the potential of being something "more". I have heard about the Power of Positive Thought and the Power of Mind. Focus on the NOW. Focus on the positives, not the negatives, because what you think is what will happen. Your thoughts manifest into your actions.

So I heed to this century-old advice, take a look around, step back, put a hold on all the negativity in my head, take a deep breath, hope against all hopes, live in the moment for as long as it lasts, stay positive, and then wait...patiently and calmly I wait ...

The Indian Spirit

Having lived in India for twenty years and having lived abroad for only five, I've seen my motherland go through many changes, both for good and bad. On one hand, where India is one of the leading developing countries, with a fast-paced economy, fast establishment of multi-nationals, growth of foreign investments, a country that constitutes 60% if not more of English-speaking populace , a country that brings with itself strong character, rich culture and traditions; it is also a chaotic democracy with fading traditions, dissolving morality, increased violence, communal riots, and religious fanaticism. Between all this commotion, I realized two things. One, how little an opinion I have of my own country and two, who am I to judge a place where I haven't lived and breathed for the past 5 years of my life. It is easy to find faults, even easier to point fingers at people and places where you don't live anymore. During this trip, I had a glimpse of the "true" Indian Spirit. Our family decided to watch a lame funny movie, which was being played in the last show of the day. The movie was supposed to start at 10:50 pm. As it is popular about the "punctuality" of the Indian Standard Time, the movie doors were obviously still shut until 11:15 pm with a huge queue waiting outside. Once the doors opened, everyone moved into the cinema theater like a herd of unruly buffaloes. It was an organized chaos nonetheless, the theater had Dolby Digital Surround, the hall was freezing, and while everyone was still moving up to their seats, I looked at the screen to read the following lines:
"Indian Army at Siachen Border"

This was followed by an instrumental piece of "Jana Gana Mana", our Indian National Anthem. My brother held my hand, and everyone in the theater stood still, right where they were, not moving an inch. Everyone was in attention, some with their hands by their side, and others saluting the soldiers on-screen. On the screen was the cold ruthless Siachen border covered in deep snow, with the Indian flag hosted high withstanding the cruel snowstorm. In the snow were standing Indian soldiers, looking strong and mighty - there seemed to be no barriers here among them - religion, caste, creed, color, none at all. There were Gurkhas and Sardars and Muslims and Hindus all fighting for their country in those extreme circumstances and holding their heads high. They make us proud and although the common-man has no way of showing their gratitude to the soldier, this was our way of saluting the protectors and martyrs of country and telling them "Thank You for keeping us safe". To me it seemed like the Indian body, no matter what circumstances its lives in, no matter what it fights about (religion, earning a living etc.), no matter how uncouth it might seem at times, at the end of the day it has withstood the adversities of time, and upheld its true spirit, its integrity and its respect for the nation and for those who protect it and live in it.
Hats off to the soldiers and kudos to the spirit of is more than a billion of a population, who lives, strives and survives no matter what.

A sense of completion

After a long time, I feel closer to being Complete today. It is marked by a jitter of nervousness, slight fear for messing things up and sheer excitement for what's to come ahead, but whatever this is called, it sure feels good, and one step closer to being happier. The key is not to be certain or sure about the future but to be Positive about both Present and future, and to know that no matter what, it will work, we will make it work.

A poet's thought on Desire

"By believing passionately in something that does not exist, we create it. The non-existent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired."
-Nikos Kazantzakis

A strange little thing called "Death"

Many have discussed it but very few have truly understood and accepted Death as a fact after life. And for those of us who have accepted it, no matter how much we prepare ourselves, its never enough and Death always hits us hard. The reason may be because Death truly signifies a point of no return. Our entire life is spent in chasing different goals - collecting materialistic things, satisfying guilty pleasures, giving and receiving love and admiration from others, attaining a status and reputation in the society, but when we leave this Earth, what do we really leave behind? A name, a few fading memories and an impact on a close circle of people. There is nothing that can achieve a state of permanence since the only thing that is constant in this world is change. Nothing lasts forever, but Death. For if someone is gone once, they shall never return again. And its the fear of death that grips us, when we are younger. Talk to someone who is in their late 60s and have lived a lifetime (whether satisfying or disappointing). They are happy to step into the other unknown realm of this universe. Death is a like a 'Black Hole', people wonder what's inside, whether it is dark and dingy and what is so powerful about it that no one returns once sucked deep into it. But is dying really an end? We all are but minuscule parts of this universe, and are only composed of matter and energy that can not really be destroyed. Our loved ones might be leaving their material world and their bones and flesh on this Earth, but I believe their energy is somewhere out there. Some might call this energy spirit or soul, others might call it blessings and memories, whereas some other people may call it paranormal or ghosts. Call it whatever you want, but even after death people don't cease to exist. They live on, in our thoughts as memories, and in their spirit.

I lost a loved one last year, a friend lost his loved ones a few weeks ago, and I don't know how many others lost their dear ones to the other side of this world. I saw it coming, and tried to prepare myself, but it wasn't enough. When the event happened, it hurt and created a void. But that void was soon filled with a strange relaxed feeling that the one I have lost is not really lost forever, it was a weird sensation but it seemed that their energy was somewhere around me. May be it was just my mind playing tricks, or may be it was real, who knows? It was in this loss that I realized the importance of our Today. How we do things, how we live our existing life, who we meet in this path, how we affect other lives and what we do today, it all has an impact on tomorrow, whether we live to see that tomorrow or not is out of our hands.

Rest in Peace to the grandparents and others we have lost in the last one year, to those souls who were great in their own ways and who got us where we are today.

"The oldest hath borne most; we that are young
Shall never see so much, nor live so long."

---------------------------------------------------

"We come from a dark abyss, we end in a dark abyss, and we call the luminous interval - life."
- Nikos Kazantzakis from 'Salvatores Dei'

Being the 'giver' is not enough

Into the wilderness of the night and in solitude I find comfort. And in someone else's solitude I want to provide comfort. I can see someone in pain and hurting, and I want to comfort them but I cannot. Because I am not the one they need the comfort from. Its said that you should be the giver without having any expectations in return. But is the wish to 'Give' enough? Doesn't it matter whether what you're giving is even needed by the taker. Sometimes people need exactly what you have to offer, but you're not the one they want it from. What do you do then, with this little treasure of comfort and care that you have in abundance, and you want to share it with someone? And what do you do when you want to be the provider but you're just not needed. The taker should have the need to 'take' from you. You cannot force someone to find comfort in what you have to offer, just because you want to offer it.

I guess the best one can do is to let the other party know what you have to offer, let go of the person, and just hope that they stop hurting and find the comfort that they need, even if it is not you who's providing it. If they want, they'll come back to you.

Random unrelated thought:
"A mess is an expression of the soul"

Embraceable

It is cold, I am quivering but I don't want to go inside. The chill in the breeze makes everything so serene. I can hear the rattling of the chains that tie the boats to the dock. But its the quietude all around that changes perspective. The shackles holding back the boats are not rattling anymore, they sound melodious to my ears, like bells tinkering in cold thin air celebrating the harmony in nature around them. The lighthouse is small with a red crown, almost a dummy, except that there is no light in this house. I look at the other side of the river at what seems like a flickering object. A flame with a halo around it. My imagination tells me I am looking at a ghost. I squint, and my intellect tells me I am looking at a fountain. Indeed it is a fountain in the middle of nowhere spreading both water and light in that dimly lit area. Amazing how breezy and foggy it is. The fog is so dense that the water and skyline have merged together and are lost into a third realm where I cannot make out what is what. The two lines - water and sky, are blended so brilliantly that a bird wouldn't know if it was flying or floating. There was nothing significant about this moment, yet everything about it made it unique. The calm water, the shimmering beacons, the unlit lighthouse surrounded by cobwebs, the fountain on the other side, the furtive flicker within the fountain, the tinkering chains, the boats waiting to free themselves from the dock to sail into unknown waters, the faded horizon, the chill in the air, the darkness in the clouds, and the person with me - all made that one moment so embraceable.

And another

"We have art in order not to perish of truth."

- P.S. Nietzsche

Another quote...

"The reality of love is mutilated when it is removed from all its unreality."

- From The Poetics of Reverie by Gaston Bachelard 

Interesting analogy

"Waiting for a man is like waiting for a bus. You keep waiting, the bus is awfully late and all kinds of buses pass right by you but not the one you are waiting for. Right when you give up (or are about to give up) and stop waiting, you see not just one, but two or more buses (same bus number) line up in front of you! Its exactly the same way with men!"
- A dear friend

Beauty

"La Beauté sera convulsive ou ne sera pas."

(Beauty will be convulsive or will not be at all.)
- André Breton

When to draw a line?

All of us have been in this situation one time or the other in our lives. I have been in it plenty of times, and somehow I manage to get stuck every single time. It is the problem of 'not knowing when to stop'. Be it career, the affairs of the heart or the mind, I have been in places where I got too involved or didn't put in enough effort. Each situation has to be handled in a different way.

Sometimes we are trying too hard for something, whereas, in reality, its not worth the time and effort. But we still try, we still hope, we carry on and we don't give up. This is a place where we should have given up a long time ago and started looking at newer frontiers. But then we didn't want to give up because we thought we can survive and we can make it happen. The outcome - we don't end up getting what we wanted and somewhere the whole experience hardens us, makes us a cynic, and somewhere it makes us stronger.

On the other hand there is a situation where we have been trying for a while, and just when things get really bad, when we are hanging on to a cliff and don't know where to go, during the darkest moment... we Give Up. We think its not worth our time and energy and move on to other avenues, whereas, in reality all it needed was just a little more push, that last surviving breath and a little more effort to succeed. The outcome - sometimes we move on never looking back, but sometimes we regret not hanging in there for just a little while longer.

The fact is, each situation can belong to either of these two criteria. The question is, how do we know where to draw a line? How do we know when to give up and when to keep trying? At the end of the day, its not really about what is right or wrong. Each experience is unique and gives us a lesson to learn, but after a while, it would be nice to know...when to draw a line and when to keep pushing harder to reach the final goal.

Things that you want the most...

...are the things that you get the last. Is that really true, or do some of us get exactly what we want at the time when we want it. If we get something too easily, it would loose its importance for us. Somewhere we want to work hard for what we want, sometimes unconsciously what matters to us more is the actual journey than the destination. Because if we get whatever we desire, whenever we want it, well things would not be challenging anymore. The primal instinct of us living beings, be it humans or animals, is to FIGHT for what we want. Animals fight for their prey, pre-historic men hunted and fought for their food, in tribes and ancient mythology men always fought for the queen, since time immemorial man has fought for land...the list is endless. The fact is, when we want something and when we fight for it, their is a gratification which is not attained by merely getting to the destination the easy way. If we lose, indeed it hurts, but we still have this satisfaction for having 'fought' for what we wanted, having 'tried' to achieve our utmost desires.

On a different note, there are things, not so materialistic, that we've had all our lives and never really appreciated. I have a bad habit of realizing the importance of the presence of someone in my life, in their absence.

Whether it is the doting love of my parents, the unconditional friendship and support of my close ones, I never really came to appreciating it as much when I was next to them. It was when I moved away, or when people went separate ways that I realized how I had taken things for granted on more than one occasion. The thing is, its all in the past and it can never be brought back. But these realizations showed me how it is so easy to give importance to the most trivial things in life, how we run after things that don't even matter but we want them anyways just because we think we need them. Our desire for that "something" or "someone" makes us so blind that we ignore what is right in front of us. What we have been looking for might be right by us, just in a different shape and form....

' Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes,
And I know, that waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes...'
- Lyrics from Strange and Beautiful by Aqualung

Stop crying your heart out

Quite self-explanatory.

"Stop Crying Your Heart Out"

Hold up
Hold on
Don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone

May your smile (may your smile)
Shine on (shine on)
Don't be scared (don't be scared)
Your destiny may keep you warm

Cos' all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Get up (get up)
Come on (come on)
Why're you scared? (I'm not scared)
You'll never change
Whats been and gone

Cos all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Cos' all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Were all of us stars
Were fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see us some day
Just take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out

- Oasis

A lifetime's worth in a week and a half...

It was a week full of anticipation, excitement, pure adrenaline rush, hopes, expectations, high energy, competition, attitude, humility, life, sadness, friendships and tragedies, sparks and passion...a little bit of everything. Ok, so may be I sound a bit over-dramatic here, but it really was a lifetime's experience packaged in a week and a half of my life.

'Success only comes to those who are too busy to look for it.' ? I say, 'Surprises and happiness only come to those who are too busy to expect them.' Right at the moment when you least expect from life, that is exactly when life brings with itself a plethora of opportunities and emotions, so strong and so deep to fathom, that you often get lost in its realms. I went into a new city, with no expectations, and came out with unexplored facets of my own personality, with new experiences, new revelations, new friendships and new heart-aches. It was a world full of opportunities, showing me new avenues in every aspect of life, be it career, people or personal development, but it also showed me where I stand and how I will really need to plan things in order to move up. Meeting new people is always fun, but the part that sucks is when they LEAVE. When everyone leaves, or starts following a path which is very different from mine. Its a pattern - you meet, you greet, you mingle, you get close, and then .... you leave. If only I could make the parting as happy as the beginning. But then again, parting is not really the end, its just a pause for some. But its a pause full of uncertainties. You don't know if you will EVER see those people again in your life, and sometimes you just need to leave it up to Fate/Destiny (words deemed not be in our control) to see if your paths cross again. Until then, you wait, and you meet more people and you get lost in their worlds, and get entangled in the same web of meet-greet-part. I guess this really is a pessimist's point of view, because an optimist would be of a contradictory opinion. I love meeting new people too, but only if their friendship would last for more than a week.

And then there are always those who leave with words unsaid and emotions unaccounted for, with whom there is no closure, and who leave you wondering 'Should I, or should I not get in touch with him/her? Would they think I am trying to be clingy, and would they just consider it a friend's call trying to keep in touch with them? Should I, or should I not?' I guess a part of my problem, is the over-analysis or over-complication of things. Why can we not simply enjoy the moment we lived in, forget about it and move on? I do an excellent job at capturing moments, but can't seem to let go and forget them. And then those moments linger in my mind for days....

There's no structure to my post, its more of a gabber than a streamlined thought. But nonetheless, it is from the complicated mesh of my thoughts and imagination.

Madness

A method to my madness...

I love this phrase...And I am realizing that I do have a method to my own madness. And its a pattern that I've been following for almost a decade now, since the realization of 'who I really am' dawned upon me. It starts from establishing a set of rules for myself. Rules that involve anything that is forbidden, religiously, culturally, socially, consciously. Rules of the heart and Rules of the mind. Most of the times, I stick by my rules. But then one fine day my madness begins, captured in the moment and taken over by the rebellious and wild-free-spirit in me, I decide to break my own rules without thinking of the consequences. All is fine until now. Except, when the rule is broken, the moment is past, and its time to move on, I actually cannot let go of it. I can't just capture the moment in a picture frame of my life and move on. I want to hang on to it for as long and as deep as I can, until the ruthless and ever-so-healing tides of time snatch it away from me, or until I fall so hard on the ground that it is hard to get back on my feet. I alienate everything around me and shut myself in my own fortress of solitude reliving those moments that I had captured. And then one day, having spent enough time behind the barriers, I decide to get out of my shell, feeling all strong and triumphant. But I am not the same anymore. I am bruised, and so I am a cynic, and I still have a wall around me. I carry on, establishing another set of rules and boundaries for me, only to see myself break those rules and follow the old method of madness yet again...yet I thrive...and so I survive.

Mad World

I wish I could write such simple yet effective and true lyrics. Unfortunately these are not my words, but they sure reflect my thoughts and feelings on how 'mad' everything is turning in today's world.

"Mad World" by Gary Jules

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world

Le Petit Prince

"On ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur, l'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux."

(One can't see well except with your heart, the essential is invisible to the eyes.)
- fox to Le Petit Prince

Hope

Hope. It's a funny thing. It's a pity for one who doesn't have it. And painful for one who does (I am sure a lot many people will beg to defer with this perspective of mine). It is not exclusive. It brings with itself a foray of other feelings/emotions, one of which is Expectation. Is it really possible to separate the two? Is it possible to hope, yet not to expect? Because expectations hurt. Expectations put unnecessary pressures on people who don't really deserve that pressure.

Someone I don't even know well enough, but have a harmless crush on...I start hoping that they will reciprocate, and I start expecting things/favors/moments from them. And when things obviously don't turn out the way I expected, there is disappointment and anger. Anger at the person who is innocent and completely unaware (and carefree to some degree) about my feelings/circumstances. The reality of it all is, I am really angry with myself, not the other person. I am angry for expecting and hoping foolishly. But it is hard to accept it, so we blame...we blame the other person. And then we carry on...we know its not fair to expect from that person, yet we continue down the never-ending road of hopes and expectations leading to disappointment. Hoping, against all hopes, that this road that we are on, no matter how painful or prickly, will lead to happiness, satisfaction and reciprocation one day.

An overload of the words 'hope' and 'expectations', I agree. But you get the point right!