What to do?

So what do you do when your worst fears come true? Hope for the best and Prepare for the worst, they say. And why is it that when your fears are realized, none of those preparations are useful anymore. The things around you don't matter, all your hopes and aspirations come crashing down in an instant, no matter how much you saw this coming. Its like gravity has suddenly pulled you so hard that you fall flat on your face. It hurts, but that "preparation for the worst" kept the anticipation so high that now you are numb to everything. You can't even shed a tear, because for sometime, you cannot comprehend anything around you. You see yourself falling, but you can't see what's above you and what's beneath. You don't know where you started falling from, and where you'll drop. And while you are falling, you see these ropes that you can grab and hang onto. Now you don't know which option to choose, should you hang onto one of the ropes and wait for someone to rescue you, to tell you what lies ahead. Or should you keep falling into the nothingness, hopeful that the view clears out soon and you know what lies beneath, hoping that when you finally fall it doesn't hurt as bad. Logic and Reason say that its safer to hold onto the rope. But all you really want to do is to keep falling. Which one of the options is really the safe one or the right one here? And can you really decide which one will hurt less?

Hold back, take a deep breath and wait...

The mind and thoughts within have a funny yet strange correlation to the actions and events that follow. When everything seems so perfect and happy, there is a sudden glitch. The possibilities of that glitch turning into a reality are high, and I start playing all the negative scenarios in my head. What if it happens? What will happen after? How will things be, if it does happen then why does it happen to me? I have already started badgering my head with all these questions and negative emotions, sitting here perturbed in my own selfish little world, with the consequences of a dreaded event that hasn't actually happened. The mind inevitably wanders to the negative, to the pain that is yet to be felt. I ache for something that has not occurred yet, but the mere thought of it stings.

At a point when I feel like a sapless seed, a helpless creature who wants things to go "right" but cannot contribute to the cause-and-effect here, my mind has the tendency to get lost in the darker realm, the negatives of What Ifs and What Then. I don't want this to be just another chapter in my diary, I don't want it to be yet another unfulfilled experience that had the potential of being something "more". I have heard about the Power of Positive Thought and the Power of Mind. Focus on the NOW. Focus on the positives, not the negatives, because what you think is what will happen. Your thoughts manifest into your actions.

So I heed to this century-old advice, take a look around, step back, put a hold on all the negativity in my head, take a deep breath, hope against all hopes, live in the moment for as long as it lasts, stay positive, and then wait...patiently and calmly I wait ...

The Indian Spirit

Having lived in India for twenty years and having lived abroad for only five, I've seen my motherland go through many changes, both for good and bad. On one hand, where India is one of the leading developing countries, with a fast-paced economy, fast establishment of multi-nationals, growth of foreign investments, a country that constitutes 60% if not more of English-speaking populace , a country that brings with itself strong character, rich culture and traditions; it is also a chaotic democracy with fading traditions, dissolving morality, increased violence, communal riots, and religious fanaticism. Between all this commotion, I realized two things. One, how little an opinion I have of my own country and two, who am I to judge a place where I haven't lived and breathed for the past 5 years of my life. It is easy to find faults, even easier to point fingers at people and places where you don't live anymore. During this trip, I had a glimpse of the "true" Indian Spirit. Our family decided to watch a lame funny movie, which was being played in the last show of the day. The movie was supposed to start at 10:50 pm. As it is popular about the "punctuality" of the Indian Standard Time, the movie doors were obviously still shut until 11:15 pm with a huge queue waiting outside. Once the doors opened, everyone moved into the cinema theater like a herd of unruly buffaloes. It was an organized chaos nonetheless, the theater had Dolby Digital Surround, the hall was freezing, and while everyone was still moving up to their seats, I looked at the screen to read the following lines:
"Indian Army at Siachen Border"

This was followed by an instrumental piece of "Jana Gana Mana", our Indian National Anthem. My brother held my hand, and everyone in the theater stood still, right where they were, not moving an inch. Everyone was in attention, some with their hands by their side, and others saluting the soldiers on-screen. On the screen was the cold ruthless Siachen border covered in deep snow, with the Indian flag hosted high withstanding the cruel snowstorm. In the snow were standing Indian soldiers, looking strong and mighty - there seemed to be no barriers here among them - religion, caste, creed, color, none at all. There were Gurkhas and Sardars and Muslims and Hindus all fighting for their country in those extreme circumstances and holding their heads high. They make us proud and although the common-man has no way of showing their gratitude to the soldier, this was our way of saluting the protectors and martyrs of country and telling them "Thank You for keeping us safe". To me it seemed like the Indian body, no matter what circumstances its lives in, no matter what it fights about (religion, earning a living etc.), no matter how uncouth it might seem at times, at the end of the day it has withstood the adversities of time, and upheld its true spirit, its integrity and its respect for the nation and for those who protect it and live in it.
Hats off to the soldiers and kudos to the spirit of is more than a billion of a population, who lives, strives and survives no matter what.

A sense of completion

After a long time, I feel closer to being Complete today. It is marked by a jitter of nervousness, slight fear for messing things up and sheer excitement for what's to come ahead, but whatever this is called, it sure feels good, and one step closer to being happier. The key is not to be certain or sure about the future but to be Positive about both Present and future, and to know that no matter what, it will work, we will make it work.

A poet's thought on Desire

"By believing passionately in something that does not exist, we create it. The non-existent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired."
-Nikos Kazantzakis

A strange little thing called "Death"

Many have discussed it but very few have truly understood and accepted Death as a fact after life. And for those of us who have accepted it, no matter how much we prepare ourselves, its never enough and Death always hits us hard. The reason may be because Death truly signifies a point of no return. Our entire life is spent in chasing different goals - collecting materialistic things, satisfying guilty pleasures, giving and receiving love and admiration from others, attaining a status and reputation in the society, but when we leave this Earth, what do we really leave behind? A name, a few fading memories and an impact on a close circle of people. There is nothing that can achieve a state of permanence since the only thing that is constant in this world is change. Nothing lasts forever, but Death. For if someone is gone once, they shall never return again. And its the fear of death that grips us, when we are younger. Talk to someone who is in their late 60s and have lived a lifetime (whether satisfying or disappointing). They are happy to step into the other unknown realm of this universe. Death is a like a 'Black Hole', people wonder what's inside, whether it is dark and dingy and what is so powerful about it that no one returns once sucked deep into it. But is dying really an end? We all are but minuscule parts of this universe, and are only composed of matter and energy that can not really be destroyed. Our loved ones might be leaving their material world and their bones and flesh on this Earth, but I believe their energy is somewhere out there. Some might call this energy spirit or soul, others might call it blessings and memories, whereas some other people may call it paranormal or ghosts. Call it whatever you want, but even after death people don't cease to exist. They live on, in our thoughts as memories, and in their spirit.

I lost a loved one last year, a friend lost his loved ones a few weeks ago, and I don't know how many others lost their dear ones to the other side of this world. I saw it coming, and tried to prepare myself, but it wasn't enough. When the event happened, it hurt and created a void. But that void was soon filled with a strange relaxed feeling that the one I have lost is not really lost forever, it was a weird sensation but it seemed that their energy was somewhere around me. May be it was just my mind playing tricks, or may be it was real, who knows? It was in this loss that I realized the importance of our Today. How we do things, how we live our existing life, who we meet in this path, how we affect other lives and what we do today, it all has an impact on tomorrow, whether we live to see that tomorrow or not is out of our hands.

Rest in Peace to the grandparents and others we have lost in the last one year, to those souls who were great in their own ways and who got us where we are today.

"The oldest hath borne most; we that are young
Shall never see so much, nor live so long."

---------------------------------------------------

"We come from a dark abyss, we end in a dark abyss, and we call the luminous interval - life."
- Nikos Kazantzakis from 'Salvatores Dei'

Being the 'giver' is not enough

Into the wilderness of the night and in solitude I find comfort. And in someone else's solitude I want to provide comfort. I can see someone in pain and hurting, and I want to comfort them but I cannot. Because I am not the one they need the comfort from. Its said that you should be the giver without having any expectations in return. But is the wish to 'Give' enough? Doesn't it matter whether what you're giving is even needed by the taker. Sometimes people need exactly what you have to offer, but you're not the one they want it from. What do you do then, with this little treasure of comfort and care that you have in abundance, and you want to share it with someone? And what do you do when you want to be the provider but you're just not needed. The taker should have the need to 'take' from you. You cannot force someone to find comfort in what you have to offer, just because you want to offer it.

I guess the best one can do is to let the other party know what you have to offer, let go of the person, and just hope that they stop hurting and find the comfort that they need, even if it is not you who's providing it. If they want, they'll come back to you.

Random unrelated thought:
"A mess is an expression of the soul"